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All Hail the Heartbreaker
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2006|11:52 am] |
 Oh what a little rope and a lot of love does to my friends...
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|10:14 am] |
Went to the doctor again yesterday because I got so much worse, and I have an official diagnosis.
I have a rather severe case of mono, which has triggered a case of hepatitis. Not like, A, B, or C, cuz those are caused by certain other viruses. Just regular old "enflamed liver" hepatitis. I'm a little jaundiced (so I look a little yellowish) and my throat is killing me and new lymph nodes keep swelling up and my abdomen kinda hurts...otherwise...well they gave me some codeine for the pain so I slept all the way through the night last night for the first time in a week. I'm pretty sick, don't get me wrong, but it's more just going to suck to sit around doing nothing and being drugged for a month. Meh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|05:34 pm] |
Apparently I have mono. My temperature was 103.7 last night, but is holding around 101-102 for the most part. My glands and lymph nodes in my neck are HUGE and really painful. I've been feeling sick since Saturday- I figured something was wrong when I was up all night shivering, while everyone else was dying of the heat. Basically this sucks a lot, because mono means the rest of my summer will be spent resting and feeling crappy. Hopefully it goes away before school starts, otherwise...well it's gonna be no good.
Orientation at UCSC last week was ok, signed up for my classes: Intro to Psych, Intro to Legal Studies, and the core class for my college.
Otherwise...I dunno I feel iffy. That's all I can say about it. Bad dreams a lot, too much of nothing, bleh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2006|12:06 am] |
On the FAFSA you're supposed to put gross ajusted income...something like that.
Well, my dad put the wrong number, and now we actually DON'T get much financial aid.
The funny thing is, we still can't afford full tuition- the number they ask for is after some adjustments, but not all- so basically they bent us over and fucked us in the asshole.
Hard.
Because Chava will be in college at the same time as me, for 2 years, then the year after she finishes, Hannah starts.
FUCK!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2006|11:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
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Life is like...
today is 10 months with Gary.
I probably won't see some of my friends at all this summer...or maybe ever again.
I haaaate work (but love the people I work with).- I'd rather work at Starbucks but apparently, Spencer says I can't?
Hannah is having a sleepover tonight- ew.
Oh and my hair is purple is many places now- the front&the tips. I'll post a picture...eventually.
I think I'll paint my nails. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2006|06:24 pm] |
there were 38 bobby pins in my hair last night (I just counted)
I just thought that was important. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2006|02:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
Prom was last night. I have piiiictures.
p.s. I miss my boyfriend (he had to go to New Jersey last night right after prom and won't be back til Wednesday!)
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|06:39 am] |
Gary got a car.
So he's taking me out to breakfast to celebrate.
Yay |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 21st, 2006|10:29 am] |
Today is the funeral.
I feel sick.
I'm going back to bed for a few hours. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 16th, 2006|03:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
I guess I just need to write down how I've been feeling since Friday, when Lisa decided to be the most insensitive jerk ever and tell me Gust had committed suicide in such a nonchalant manner. I could have fucking killed her. How dare she- she hardly knew him, she knew that he and I were friends, and she just...just mentions it, as if it were nothing. And none of my other friends seem to understand why I was crying, why it hit me so hard. And none of them cared, which is ok because they hardly knew Gust, but I just wish they'd...they'd showed more compassion. And the worst part is that Gary had known about it since the day before and hadn't told me. God it's just wrong. I know I hadn't talked to him in weeks, if not more- after he graduated, I hardly saw him anymore. Just once in a while around town. I had his screen name, but I never IMed him. I won't try to justify it by saying "he was never online" or "I figured he had other people to talk to." I just didn't. And I can't believe he's gone. I had a class with him ever year since freshamn year (freshman- history, sophomore- geology, junion- auto). Not to mention "group therapy" on Monday's last year...I can't believe he actually killed himself. I'm not surprised, as much as I hate to say it like that. But it's more like I can't believe he actually did it. Finished it. Is dead. Yesterday at work I suddenly remembered that we'd had summer school together between my freshman and sophomore years. We'd spent every day in that class watching Madonna music videos to make the other kids uncomfortable, or talking about Spencer (since I'd recently been dumped by him and since Gust had a thing for him). I was in the middle of ringing someone up and I just remembered how close we'd been in that class, how he'd practically ripped some kid's head off when the kid made a Jew joke...and I wanted to cry, but I couldn't, because I hate it when I cry in public and everyone asks questions. Like on Friday during lunch while I was walking down to the counselling office, crying, and people were like "are you ok?" And people I hardly knew were hugging me...I appreciate that they cared, but it always just makes it worse for me to have to repeat the bad news to people. It just makes fresh tears well up and fall. And then, the worst part of Friday at school- I got the news just before English, and that was the day to perform our Hamlet scenes. And I was in the gravedigger scene. And I was the gravedigger. And it's about suicide. I had to perform a scene that discussed suicide right after I found out about a friend's suicide. And I didn't cry, and I didn't run off the stage- I finished it and held myself together until the end of the day. And now I keep seeing little R.I.P. bulletins in people's myspaces and they make me so mad. Because I hate it when people feel like they have to post bulletins or away messages like that. I hate it but I can't say why, I just do. And I HATE that Lisa told me, of all people why her? The suicide-attempt queen, the girl that wants to see me suffer more than anything in the world. And she tells me.
I'm sorry I didn't IM him, but it can't change now. |
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| uhm, duuuh |
[Dec. 27th, 2005|12:35 pm] |
| You scored as Psychology. You should be a Psychology major!
Psychology | | 100% | English | | 75% | Journalism | | 75% | Anthropology | | 67% | Sociology | | 67% | Philosophy | | 58% | Mathematics | | 50% | Linguistics | | 50% | Engineering | | 50% | Theater | | 42% | Biology | | 33% | Chemistry | | 25% | Art | | 25% | Dance | | 25% | </td>
What is your Perfect Major?
created with QuizFarm.com |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 25th, 2005|10:43 pm] |
I ran into Alison Milar today...weird. SO weird. She's got BRIGHT orange-red hair and is totally different than she was in middle school. Also...she is "Allio", a friend of Ak's gf. Who apparently is a cokehead still. Surprised? No, didn't think so. So Alison and I spent a bit catching up and such, and talked about life and it was so strange because before I decided that Alix and Ak were pretty much...je ne sais quoi...and I stopped talking to them, Alix had been talking a lot about her friend "Ali" and that person is Alison...anyways, it makes sense to me, in my head...Alison was confused when I told her some of the things I had heard about her, apparently little Ms. Alix likes to make up stories about her supposed "friends." Oh well. It was nice to meet someone else who could agree with me that this girl is a whack job. And it was actually nice to see Alison so...outgoing and happy and such. She always seemed very reserved and shy in middle school...
In other news, things with Gary are going really well. We went over to his Aunt Tish's apartment today for Christmas, and on the car ride back she started talking about how much she likes me and how I'm a good influence on Gary and how she wants to do brunch with my parents sometime (keep in mind that Tish is from Jersey and has a heavy accent and smokes weed and is just a really funny kid). Anyways, I've been over to their place a few times now (including or Thanksgiving and for a holiday party a week ago) and I always get hugs when I'm there and they seem to like me. Good stuff. Next step- on New Years Day Gary is meeting my family- my aunt is having about 40 people over to her place. Crazy times. Oh and I might (if things are still going well) go to Jersey with him this summer for a week or two. To meet the rest of the family.
ALSO I have to finish a few college apps (for out-of-state-schools) and I have a lot of rehearsals this week and the like. And probably a lot of work. I'm a busy kid. Or...will be soon. For right now I'm recovering from my trip to Utah- I got to drive! Not the whole way, but for a few hours at a time. On the freeways...where the speed limit is 75, so I was going about 80 for the most part. It was a good trip, Utah is actually really pretty and Gary and I bonded really deeply (we were up all night talking for one of the nights, it was good good times).
Ok time to play the game of Life with my sisters and Gary- Hanukah present. |
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| my rant on Lisa |
[Oct. 19th, 2005|06:00 pm] |
So after today at lunch, can I pretty much say everyone is going to support me in my anti-Lisa-ness. YES I feel bad that she has no friends and that she's so messed up, but I am of the belief that she brought most of it on herself, that she is selfish and spoiled and self-centered and histrionic and needs to wake the fuck up and realize that just because the school will give you extra time on the SAT or let you have a special class cuz you've got learning disabilities, that doesn't mean that the people you meet in life (in REAL life, I should say) will make similar allowances. For example, if she ever gets a job, having hissy fits at work will NOT be excused like they are at school. But that's assuming she ever even graduates, which at this rate looks really unlikely.
For those who missed it, she tried to talk to me today. First, she talked to Katie, who is a SAINT and basically told Lisa that she (Katie) doesn't want to put up with her (Lisa) anymore. Good for Katie. She also told Lisa that any issues between her (Lisa) and me aren't her (Katie's) business. Also, good for her. She's really a good kid. So then Lisa tries to talk to me, but I, being the awesome kid I am (and having much more self control than I used to) didn't say a WORD to her. Which, of course, made her even more upset. She was just standing there crying in my face and telling me that it wasn't her fault, that she just gets so emotional, said things like Gary'd been cheating on me since we started going out, that he'd been using, that he was toying with her emotions, that if I was really her friend I wouldn't be with him in the first place (DUH!)...and I just walked away. She followed, said more, I walked away again. And then, I went to the group, by the library, where we always eat, and she came over, and I was like "Ugh oh no" and she starts going "I'm getting my fucking stuff, I'm just getting my FUCKING stuff." And I just stood there with that sort of "whatever" smile on my face, and she was like, "stop smiling and talk to me you stupid KYKE." Yes, she went there. And it was pretty sad, considering it was in front of ALL of MY friends (none of them are really her friends, or have been for months, so I won't call them OUR friends), a few of whom are Jewish as well. Silly Lisa, because we all know that the best way to INSULT me is to call me a racial slur. Owch! (sarcasm, anyone?) And then she asked if anyone had a phone for her to use, and I said the first words I'd said to her all week, "After that? No." But Elaine, being the nice kid she is (plus she feels sorry for Lisa, since she had no idea of what was going on) let Lisa use her phone, and as she was dialing she mumbled (loud enough for everyone to hear) "I should just burn your fucking house down." So I did the only reasonable thing TO do. I went to the office and reported the threat. And after school my mom and I went to the police station and filed a report. I don't want that crazy bitch getting anywhere near my house. She needs to learn that there are reprecussions and consequences to her actions, that not everyone is going to baby her the way her parents do. That basically, I wouldn't be her "friend" again unless there was a LOT of money involved. Besides, my dad wants to get a restraining order against her.
Tomorrow, we might have "conflict mediation" with the school psychologist, but I insisted that Leslie be there. I plan on telling her flat out that it is over, and that she should stop trying to contact me and that basically she is now friendless. I'm sort of curious to hear how the hell she's going to try to persuade me to be her friend again after today, she really must be stupider than we all thought.
And I love how in her convo with Maggie she was like, "well Alli isn't mad at me but she's too afraid to say so" when I've spoken to Alli about disliking Lisa. So I guess Lisa is right- almost none of my friends are mad at her. They just dislike her in general. No one wants her around, she's an annoyance. She needs to LEAVE and find somewhere where she hasn't burnt all her bridges. She doesn't GRASP the concept of RESPONSIBILITY- taking responsibility for her actions. She isn't friendless because of her bipolar disorder- she's friendless because she decided sex and drugs were more important that friends. Pretty sad. Oh and Katie doesn't like her cuz she smells cuz she doesn't shower enough.
And, as Maggie told her, she needs to get better for HERSELF.
Oh and I think her parents need to smack her a few times. If my kid talked to me the way Lisa talks to her parents, I think I could justify a nice slap across the face. Maybe if Leslie ever told Lisa to shut the fuck up, she'd listen- you know, shock value and all. It's not like Lisa even loves her parents anyways. She's too fucking focused on the fact that she was adopted, she can't even see that THAT MEANS SOMEONE LOVED HER ENOUGH TO TAKE HER IN EVEN THOUGH SHE WASN'T THEIRS. She's ungrateful and probably deserves to have stayed with her crack whore mother, not gotten adopted by loving, giving people that have basically sacrificed their happiness to put up with her. I would never want to be in Leslie and Chuck's shoes, ever. Have a kid who hates me despite the fact that I basically had to PAY to have it? I'd rather be childless forever. They even fucking let her birth mom live in their house during the last month of her pregnancy. That is the kind of love only a parent can give a child. And does Lisa care? No. I have NEVER heard her say anything nice to her parents, ever. She's a BAD SEED and Katie is right in saying that Lisa should NEVER be allowed to reproduce.
Moral of the story is- I love my friends soooo much and I just want you all to know that I seriously appreciate all the support through this. And for those of you who sympathize with Lisa, please don't think I'm a cold, heartless bitch. I was her friend for 3 1/2 years, I let her cry on my shoulder, I let it slide when she made fun of my family for not having money (yeah she used to call me poor), I even forgave her when she told everyone that I had tried to kill myself over Ak, which never EVER happened (ironically, she tried to kill herself over Gary, hypocrite). When NO ONE else liked her, I still spent time with her. I invited her to my birthday even though it meant making a lot of people uncomfortable. I skipped out on a lot of opportunities to have good times with other people because I felt so GUILTY over the Gary thing, I felt like the LEAST I could do was spend time with her. And in regards to Gary, as Maggie said, I couldn't steal something that was already lost. He lost interest in her in APRIL but she would basically threaten suicide whenever he brought breaking-up into the conversation. He even lost his job because she would call him at work and ask him to leave so many times to calm her down, he would sit in the back room of Loard's cleaning her cuts and bandaging them. He did everything he could to help her, and he wasn't getting ANYTHING in return (and I don't mean things like sex, but someone who truly appreciated him and made him feel good about himself and about life in general). I'm not thrilled that the way he and I met was as dramatic and complicated as it was, but it happened, and I refuse to give it up just to appease that insance cracker (Lauren is my hero).
Ok, so my rant is basically done now...I think. I've needed to get all this out for a WHILE, and once more, I have to say to my friends, you guys are seriously the best. If I ever had a fight this bad with any of you, I'd be destroyed, because losing real, close friends hurts. And that is why I ♥ you all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2005|01:50 pm] |
This is what Gary's left pec looks like now ♥ |
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| saddest french song ever (and my rough translation) |
[Sep. 26th, 2005|09:33 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Dernière Danse- Kyo | ] |
J'ai longtemps parcouru son corps
Effleuré cent fois son visage
J'ai trouvé de l'or
Et même quelques étoiles
En essuyant ses larmes
J'ai appris par coeur
La pureté de ses formes
Parfois, je les dessine encore
Elle fait partie de moi
[For a long time I traveled
her body, caressed a hundred times her face. I found gold, and even
some stars. In wiping her tears I learned, by heart, the purity of her
forms. Sometimes, I still draw them- she makes a part of me.]
Je veux juste une dernière danse
Avant l'ombre et l'indifférence
Un vertige puis le silence
Je veux juste une dernière danse
[I want just a last dance, before the shadow and the indifference. Dizziness, then a silence. I want just a last dance.]
Je l'ai connue trop tôt
Mais c'est pas d'ma faute
La flèche a traversé ma peau
C'est une douleur qui se garde
Qui fait plus de bien que de mal
Mais je connais l'histoire
Il est déjà trop tard
Dans son regard
On peut apercevoir
Qu'elle se prépare
Au long voyage
[I knew it too early, but it’s
not my fault. The arrow crossed my skin; it is a pain that one keeps.
It makes more good than evil. But I know the history, it is already too
late. In her glance one can see that she is prepared for a long
journey.]
Je peux mourir demain
Mais ça n'change rien
J'ai reçu de ses mains
Le bonheur ancré dans mon âme
C 'est même trop pour un seul homme
Je l'ai vue partir, sans rien dire
Fallait seulement qu'elle respire
Merci d'avoir enchanté ma vie
[I can die tomorrow, but that
wouldn’t change anything. I received from her hands the happiness
anchored in my soul. It is too much for one man. I saw her leave
without anything to say- it was necessary only that she breathe. Thank
you for enchanting my life.] |
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seulsilencieuse's journal
Most excellent.